The Art of Saying No and Finding Inner Strength (a personally written article)

The Art of Saying No

We often live our lives taking on the victim role, operating from a belief that life is something that happens to us. We agree to become victims of our circumstances. When unfortunate events occur, when trauma happens, we start to identify with them and become them. We associate ourselves with the pain, the loss, the failure, running that same program and repeating patterns, like a computer running its codes.

As they say in the film Maniac, “A pattern is a pattern.” It is profound, because it is that simple.

We repeat what we do not consciously change.

This, I believe, is one of the most common blocks that I see in many of my clients.

Credit: Netflix Maniac

Freedom begins with the realisation that we are not our thoughts, not our past, not even our future, not the events or the people around us. They may influence who we are, but ultimately, it is we who decide how they will shape us.

When we master self-discipline, we gain the ability to choose how we respond, what emotions we engage with, and where we place our focus. We become the masters of our emotions, the captains of our ferry. That is the state of the master soul: grounded, conscious, and unattached/independent.

The human psyche has an enormous capacity to process anything in life, as soon as it is willing to do so.

The Palestinian psychiatrist Dr Essam Daod, co-founder of Humanity Crew, worked with Syrian refugee children who had fled unimaginable circumstances, arriving on the shores of Lesbos after dangerous sea crossings. In his work, he chose one small word that carried immense power: he didn’t call them survivors, he called them heroes. That single word changed everything. It shifted the narrative from one of passive endurance to one of courage and hope. He offered them a new story, one rooted in strength and resilience rather than fear and trauma: a reminder that they were not defined by what had happened to them, but by how they could respond and rebuild. You can watch a YouTube video about this project here.

This mirrors the philosophy of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. Even in the darkest imaginable circumstances, Frankl discovered that we always have one final freedom: the freedom to choose our perspective, state of mind, our stance. He observed that those who found meaning, even in suffering, transcended their circumstances.

His message is timeless: we have the choice to shift the narrative of our story.

Another great example comes from Dr Edith Eger, author of The Choice. The psychologist teaches that healing begins when we stop saying “Why me?” and instead ask “What now?” or “What can this teach me?” Like Frankl, she shows that saying no to victimhood and yes to growth transforms pain into power.

@tp_p_pt

Our inner monologue shapes our entire experience of life.

Imagine the power you give away to your inner critic, and how much it influences every aspect of your life: your self-esteem, your relationships, your self-worth, and consequently the choices you make; work places, relationships, and the people you allow into your life.

The thoughts we repeat become the emotions we live in. Yet behind all of this, in the very centre of our being, we always have the ability to decide what to give power to.

(Sadly, so many of us live on autopilot, being constantly emotionally pulled by external circumstances.)

Here lies the paradox: the more you say no, the less you settle for less. Each no creates a stronger base of the self and its alignment. Over time, your standards rise naturally, and your life begins to mirror that inner clarity. The people, situations, and opportunities that match your energy and standards start to appear, because you have stopped diluting yourself to fit into what does not serve you.

When you begin to practise this, life does not necessarily get easier, but it does get clearer. You start to see what truly matters and what was merely noise. You stop chasing validation, because the locus becomes internal rather than external.

(Read about this more: Internal vs External Locus of Control: 7 Examples & Theories

by Amanda O'Bryan, Ph.D. Scientifically reviewed by Jo Nash, Ph.D. Link here)

The art of saying no, then, is ultimately the art of saying yes: yes to freedom and yes to yourself.

Reflection Exercise

Take a few quiet moments for this short written practice.

1. Write down the areas in your life where you could start saying no more often.

   
   

2. For each one, ask yourself:

   • What would change if I said no here?

   • What emotion am I afraid of feeling if I say no?

   • What would saying no protect or honour within me?

     
     

3. Choose one situation and practise saying no, calmly, kindly, but firmly, this week.

   
   

4. Notice how your energy shifts when you choose alignment over obligation.

Thanks for reading, Alina.